happy.

ive been anxiously waiting for whats next, for the past year.

im ready.

im not really sure what it means to give up complete control to God
when i have no plans to begin with. most days i leave my home with no plan.
nothing ever happens. isnt God supposed to do things, reveal things when i do that?
did he forget about me? its been awhile since i could really feel him. well i guess i felt him a few weeks ago. but in everyday life. is that my fault? am i missing something...
they say you'll find it when you stop looking, that it'll happen when you least expect it.
well if i dont look i might miss it. and i never expect it. how do you stop searching and just be okay with the idea that maybe itll happen maybe it wont? how do you do that, when youre just trying to find what you want... but its also what you need.
am i too wrapped up in what i need that im not seeing something?
because im losing my mind, im losing some of myself. this is exhausting and im tired.
i want to arrive already. i dont want to wander forever in hopes i wandered through the right place at the right time, because maybe my timing is off. maybe im one hour too soon or too late. maybe its all for nothing. im struggling everyday it seems.
independent you might say i guess. but there is nothing independent about needing. its really just hard and lonely.
it is one thing to feel alone because of change, but also knowing there is someone there. it is a complete other to feel alone and not know if anyone is there. the second is draining. and i dont know if there is anyone.
somewhere in the bible there is a verse that says something along the lines of, god will take care of the desires of your heart. i have desires. i have strong desires. they are not being taken care of. i feel that they  are not. and every day i try to remember to be thankful for what i can be thankful for.
i have faith that it will come together. some day. one day. any day. but thats not now.
i need something now. loneliness is empty. im about dried out.

i guess ill keep praying, keep hoping, keep wishing.
i miss so much.

im breaking all over again.

nothing. no one. nowhere.

no one.

im not giving in. ill fight it. it doesnt matter.
they wont fall.

im slowly coming upon desperation.
its the last stop. i have no choice.

update

1. do yoga regularly
2. subscribe to a wedding magazine
3. learn to make paper cranes
4. start my own art projects & finish them
5. have a thoughtful conversation with someone daily.
6. drink more water 
7. donate the clothes i dont wear anymore
8. go fishing
9. learn to play a song on cello - half completed
10. ride a horse again.
11. spend an entire day on the beach
12. raise a puppy
13. get dreads
14. get a tattoo
15. go somewhere warm during spring break
16. drive a golf cart
17. spend no money for a whole week
18. put art onto a building
19. go to the contemporary art museum
20. go to a blackhawks game
21. go to a cubs game
23. see a show on broadway
24. take my own picture of the hollywood sign
25. ski
26. hold a tiny pig with rainboots on
27. learn a song on guitar. left handed.
28. buy something that is way overpriced
29. ride in a hot air balloon.
30. try new food when the opportunity arises.
31. buy a bunch of books at once
32. ride a rollercoaster
33. waterski
34. spend the entire day with one person with no distractions (technology etc) and fall asleep with them at night.
35. hold a tray of honeycomb
36. ride an elephant
37. write a greeting card of some kind
38. help build a house
39. cowrite something with riley
40. take a picture of everyone i encounter for a week, (at least)
41. read poetry
42. sketch people, buildings, trees
43. kiss someone i just met
44. try horchata
45. have a bonfire on a beach