im not really sure what it means to give up complete control to God
when i have no plans to begin with. most days i leave my home with no plan.
nothing ever happens. isnt God supposed to do things, reveal things when i do that?
did he forget about me? its been awhile since i could really feel him. well i guess i felt him a few weeks ago. but in everyday life. is that my fault? am i missing something...
they say you'll find it when you stop looking, that it'll happen when you least expect it.
well if i dont look i might miss it. and i never expect it. how do you stop searching and just be okay with the idea that maybe itll happen maybe it wont? how do you do that, when youre just trying to find what you want... but its also what you need.
am i too wrapped up in what i need that im not seeing something?
because im losing my mind, im losing some of myself. this is exhausting and im tired.
i want to arrive already. i dont want to wander forever in hopes i wandered through the right place at the right time, because maybe my timing is off. maybe im one hour too soon or too late. maybe its all for nothing. im struggling everyday it seems.
independent you might say i guess. but there is nothing independent about needing. its really just hard and lonely.
it is one thing to feel alone because of change, but also knowing there is someone there. it is a complete other to feel alone and not know if anyone is there. the second is draining. and i dont know if there is anyone.
somewhere in the bible there is a verse that says something along the lines of, god will take care of the desires of your heart. i have desires. i have strong desires. they are not being taken care of. i feel that they are not. and every day i try to remember to be thankful for what i can be thankful for.
i have faith that it will come together. some day. one day. any day. but thats not now.
i need something now. loneliness is empty. im about dried out.
i guess ill keep praying, keep hoping, keep wishing.
i miss so much.
im breaking all over again.
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