ignorance.

people are as disposable to me as trash is to you.
it should come as no surprise if i leave you behind.
ive done my share of "putting up with"
i have no more time to waste on that.
i make lists that will never be finished.
mostly because something else requires all of my attention.
i am human as human gets.
i do things to distract the fact that i am lonely.
i am selfish at times. i needed it.
i spend money that i shouldnt and dont feel as bad as i should about it.

i started crying as i stood just barely in that tent, as he spoke words that i could feel in my bones. i told myself i wouldnt, but god showed up instead. so i stood there. with my head bowed, my eyes closed, as i slowly raised my hands about shoulder height. at the presence of each tear my head lowered a little more. i didnt want to be seen crying as i softly sang the words "oh praise him" in sync with the other voices. i stood there and i prayed. longer. and harder than i think i ever have. i meant it more than i think i ever have. i had no intentions, no pre planned destination. i was going to watch and listen to some music. that was all. but when i start to cry for no reason, i know my plan, or lack of plan, is not being followed.
so i stood there and asked for you to come back, knowing i need you. i think youre back. im choosing to believe youre back. though i know you never left. what came back is my desire. sense of touch.

i prayed. and now i find myself praying all the time. more times in a day than i remember doing. about more things than i remember thinking. and more diligently than i remember intending.

i think ive unknowingly let it be okay for men to treat me like shit.
i begin to care for people pretty quickly upon meeting them.
everyday i hope someone thinks of me. because everyday i think about all most of you.

i need guidance and forgiveness every day of my life.
i need patience and reverence just as often.

i want to know who i can turn to.
i want something to be easy.
i dont want to always be just friends.

life happens. thats what they say. when you start something you never finish. when your first reason is no longer a reason at all. and your intentional purpose was only there to make the first step. i have emotional break downs at the most undesirable times. but is it a breakdown if its appropriate timing? i feel empty more than id like, and i dont know who to trust. ill talk if youll listen.
i fall asleep with my fingers on the keys nearly every time i write.

i know there was something else i meant to verbalize. to type on this screen.
i dont know what it is. or if ill ever remember.

but i am fine. and thats all that really matters.